Tyler is the snobbiest town. You make one mistake, no matter how well meaning and you are ostrasized by the entire community. I have been feeling suicidal over a mistake that I made and have absolutely no one to turn to. I can't even make a decision or a choice without everyone weighing in their opinion or getting mad at me. I wish people could learn to be more compassionate. I have nobody.

I was once in a toxic relationship. It was so toxic on both sides that it was hard for me towards the end to discern just how abused I was. The slaps, pushes into furniture, constant put downs, being shaken off the bed, pinned to the shower wall after he beat down two doors to get to me, beating up male friends, abuse by his family...and so much in front of our children. I couldn't figure out what to do because the chaos was so constant I was sucked into a whirlwinded black hole of just surviving. This man who could at one moment be compassionate towards all other human beings but me and then in the next moment be railing at me for not keeping the house perfect for him had my love and hate totally infused into each other. I left him, finally, but he stalked me for a year, threatened me and my friends. I still have to deal with him because of our kids, but I believe he is much better now and so am I. I understand why women stay because I was that woman. And I understand people change. If you're in a toxic relationship, just get out. The next steps will follow. It will be SO HARD. You'll doubt yourself. You'll remember your own wrongs. You'll still understand your abuser and your own abuse, but you'll grow from it. You can be a different woman.

My son has only one more year in single digits, yep he just turned 9. Time is tricky like that. Its made me think back over the past years, wondering how I didn't notice the months passing by. I realized I need to enjoy them more, and take time to come back and remember the great ones. The moments where life caused me to be filled with awe. 

In all of my memories from the past 9, one jumps out at me and made my entire soul smile :D. I was exhausted, and completely responsible for a human who was only 2 days old. He was tiny, and precious, but eating every 20 min...............and I was bent set on feeding him the very best nature had to give him. I had help from my sweet husband and parents, but lets face it they just didn't have the tits needed...........which is what my baby was crying for like an alarm clock. 

Since my husband doubles as my second brain/best friend (sorry ladies I stole him before you could find him.) he decided to find me a much needed break before I broke. We just happened to be staying at a beach house (long story but we lucked out with our parents teaming up to help out and be near us that first week), and I had YET to see the water, let alone get outside.

He secretly arranged for the grandmas to watch our little guy, and before I knew what was going on I was whisked outside on the beach with a clear night sky of stars. It was one of the most peaceful moments of my life. It was only for like 5 min but its still clear as day 9 years latter :) 

I'm still that girl, despite time playing its tricks, and cherish finding more moments of AWE.

Once a few years ago my confidence was at an all time low. I then went onto a chat site to talk to people to boost my confidence. I would get a good number of messages from guys and that definitely made me feel good about myself. One time in particular I didn't respond to this guy who was being kind of rude to me. 

That made this guy pissed off so he searched my username on various social media sites found my pictures and decided to try to threaten me with them if I didn't give him what he wanted. The pictures he had of me weren't bad pictures but he would take a picture of me and then on the other half of the picture would take a girl of my same stature nude and claim that was me. Since I wouldn't give him what he wanted (which was actual inappropriate pictures of me) he decided to post those pictures he had created of me and post them on a revenge porn site along with my information including where I lived. 

He also had one of my social media sites directly linked to the site I was on. He told me all of this would go away and he would take the pictures down if I would just give him what he wanted. And if I didn't he would tell my parents. One thing he didn't know was that I was extremely close with my parents so I told them as soon as this stuff started happening. My family and I took this issue to the police but they did nothing. 

Now almost two years later I'm still dealing with the repercussions of that incident. But ive learned several things from that experience. I've learned to put my social media sites on the highest privacy setting as possible. I've learned not to talk to people I don't know online because there are some sick people out there. And most importantly I've learned not to let someone bully me into doing something I don't want to do. I've also learned that no matter how bad the situation is there are still people out there to help you get through it! 

Hopefully this encourages people in some way!

I have this fear of everything around me falling apart. As a result, I take responsibility of everything all around me. I hoard responsibility. I worry for the sake of worrying. I take on other people's worries. And God forbid I should let anyone down! I feel guilty establishing normal, healthy boundaries. It is so hard to just "let go" and let the chips fall where they may. Living among chaos during your formative years can meld you into a person that yearns for structure and control, even it is to your own detriment.

I now know that whatever will happen WILL happen, whether I want it to or not. Learning to let go is a constant battle. It gave me such anxiety to cut things loose, I could barely breathe. It gets better with practice. It gets better because I'm keenly aware of how not healthy it is to be everything for everyone. ..all.the.time.  

We're all a work in progress.

I was, like the rest of us, tortured in Middle School. It was horrible. Own of these experiences that made those years so bad is also the one that made me a woman. 

I only attended one school dance ever. 

I chose an outfit that I thought was pretty cool, not a normal flirty dress and heals like the others girls. But, this decision would prove to be a wonderful thing. I had a blast, danced all night long. But, when it came time to leave, something was wrong. I stood around waiting for my mother to pick me up, talking with everyone I had just spent the night dancing with. But, they were acting weird. I figured, “Eh, they are probably just tired or something.” Nope, it was me.

I got home to realize, in horror, I had started my period for the first time at the dance. Lucky for me, it wasn’t so noticeable because of my plaid pants. But, you could see the stain across the back. How embarrassing?! I realized everyone was acting strangely towards me because they saw the stain once we left the dark cafeteria. They were judging me. I felt utterly disgusting.

I never wore those pants again. I never went to another school dance. I have never been the same. 

To this day, as a much older woman, I am terrified of a menstrual leak, a stain on my pants.

Surviving a disabling and life changing car accident was awesome.

The chronic pain, multiple surgeries and numerous pain pills that followed was my hell on earth. As I struggled to put my life back together, my doctors gave me large quantities of powerful pain medication. The drugs were taking its toll on my body.

My medical chart reads, "substance abuse" because I was honest about my weed usage. I don't drink alcohol or take any dangerous drugs but there it was as plain as day ... SUBSTANCE ABUSE.

One day, I just woke up and decided that this wasn't the path for me. I started to use marijuana to ease my suffering. What a difference! No matter how much I smoked, I didn't have that hungover drugged feeling or any of the misery associated with the pills. The only negative side effect was jail. I couldn't afford to buy marijuana, so I grew my own plants and made edibles and medicated butter. Louisiana is not a medical marijuana approved state so when the police came, I was arrested and faced five years in jail.

Me. A woman in her late thirties with no previous record was about to spend time behind bars. Had I kept taking drugs instead of medicating with marijuana, I might not be here to tell this story.

My parents don't even acknowledge my cannabis usage. My father refuses to even talk about weed. I've been honest about my marijuana usage but they immediately change the subject or get very quiet when I have enough courage to even mention my life changing decision.

Many things have happened to me after I came out of "the green closet" about my marijuana consumption. I've been ostracized by family and friends who stopped inviting me to functions because I am a crazy drug addict.

That's when the depression got worse. I just wanted to end my suffering. End my life. Everyday. Multiple times a day. Who would miss me? The truth was, I'd miss me. I missed being able to live and be happy. Cannabis has given me the strength and ability to walk my path with reduced pain. I've paid the price and have suffered enough. I found my inner peace and the strength to keep moving.

If anyone is out there and can relate to my pain, know that you are loved. Know that you are an amazing human being with the power to move mountains. Embrace your reflection. Kiss the mirror. Find yourself and own who you are destined to be.

I had been talking to this wonderful guy for weeks. It was exactly what I needed. I hadn't dated in years, nor was I really interested in dating.

See, I weighted over 350 lbs. I stopped being visible to the world. Isn't it funny that you can be the biggest person in the room, but no one can see you? After thinking long and hard about my life, I decided to start living. I took drastic measures to lose my weight. I had surgery.

After 7 months, I had lost enough weight and my confidence grew. I thought I was pretty again, could see my collarbones. I started living! My mission was to not be invisible to people, especially to men. After texting for weeks the anticipation was growing. We both wanted to see each other. I was so nervous and excited! I put on my favorite clothes that would make me feel special. I drove to his house and was so giddy! We were both nervous! We knew from pictures what we looked liked, but this was the real deal! I remember getting out of my car and he met me. He hugged me tightly but I could see something was different. He saw me, but it wasn't ME he was seeing.

He saw my stomach that wasn't as small as he had hoped. What I saw was in his eyes were disappointment. It felt like high school all over again. I went from the confident woman to feeling embarrassed. It really messed up my mind. Yes, we talked in his house, but it was awkward in my head. I wished he had seen the true person who I am, instead I felt ashamed. It shattered me because I cared. All I could do was cry. And I did.